special

(e-mail before starting the chemotherapy)

Several times I felt special in my past. During the youth the weakeness of my immunity system next to the astma meant being sick every other week. Next to this I had allergies that were coming and going. Basicly I was an interesting study case case for the doctors untill – more or less around the 12 years – my body was finally able to defend itself.

During the puberty my health was considerably improved and after the 18th year I felt strong as a tiger, actually much stronger than many of my friends which did not have such a medical history.

Then the “golden age” came. The University period which meant for me also the discovery of freedom and of the world. Next to obtaining a grant to study in Florence, I could also get other 2 grants to study abroad, first in America, then in Holland. I had wounderfull life experiences which ended with a “full grade degree” and recognizements at european level. At the time I felt like I was on top of the world, and I thought that I could have accomplished anything if I just wanted it!

Then the “dark years” came.  After graduating I moved to Holland, the land of wonderfull men and little light. I always thought that I would have become a “career woman”, but the reality has shown the contrary. I worked for an international office and I went to Moscow as part of a selected group, but I did not find what I was looking for. So I decided to take the destiny in my hands and I started my own company. Unfortunately, next some satisfactions coming from my activity of researcher and teacher at the TU Delft, I also had a couple of heavy disappointments. Next to these, being far away from my family and friends, the grey and cold climate, disoriented also the strong person that I was, which from special became silently ordinary…

Since a week I have again a reason to feel special.  At the age of 38 years, I have been diagnosed a breast cancer, a “mastitis carcinomatous”, confirmed by a biopsy under the axil because not visible nor through an echo, nor through a mammography, nor through a magnetic resonance! So, apparently, I am still an interesting medical study case…

The statistics are not really positive about the type of cancer which I have, but what kind of meaning does a statistics have after all? Every case is different, I am young and strong, and I want believe to be special untill the end: I’ll make it!! Tomorrow I’ll start the chemiotheraphy to reduce the tumor and the infection before the operation, which will be followed by other theraphies. It will be a long and tiring way which will last circa one and a half year, but I am ready to start walking along it not only for myself, but especially for the people around me, in particular my 2 wonderfull little boys. They are my secret weapon :-). When I’ll be exausted and I’ll start loosing faith, I’ll look at them and I’ll take out from the bottom all the energy possible to carry on, even if the way will still go upwards.

Of course I ask myself the sense of all this. The people that know me for some time, know that I am a warrior and maybe this is my destiny. I am born to fight and leave an example behind me.

If one month ago I was not sure anymore about who I was, now everything is christal clear. I have to concentrate on myself and on the essence of life: the love for and of the people dearest to me. And actually there’s more… I want to hope that something else is waiting for me and this whole experience is just the beginning a second life where I will feel finally comfortable in. In this second life it is very easy to enjoy of the simplest and smaller things of the everyday life, which we often tend to forget. This is already a big achevement.

I don’t expect you to answer to this mail, I also wouldn’t know what to say. For me it’s enought to make you think about the meaning of life and help you enjoying what you have, even if – I know – it’s difficult now not to cry.

I remember an evening of many years ago. I was particularly sad for a reason I cannot remeber anymore. Anyway, I started to cry, a lot. My eyes were like a fountain. I closed my eyes and suddenly I saw a waterfall, a waterfall of light, and I had the beautifull sensation that this sadness of mine was collected and transported somewhere in the universe to be finally released as positive energy for the world.  At this moment I also want to believe that all these tears are not for nothing. I want to believe that they together will form a cosmic energy that will be released at the right moment. Only God knows when. I’ll wait for his sign…

 

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