from a warrior just like me

When I run like crazy because I would like to cross out at least some of the things that are on my list – like: publish some of the recipe I am collecting… – I end up asking myself why do I do it. I have the feeling the blog stands totally still. I publish one recipe a month, when I succeed, and no one ever leaves a comment. Nevertheless recently different people get in contact with me through Facebook, Instagram or they send me a mail sharing their story with me.  And this makes me very happy because in that moment I find the sense of what I am doing again in the hope that it is part of a great plan with a happy end.

Few days ago I received such a beautiful mail and so close to my way of thinking that I decided to share it with you all here on the blog. Hopefully it will make you think and give hope to other woman in a similar situation. Keeping it to myself it would be pure egoism :-).

 

“Dear Fabiana,

(…) The reason why I write to you is that I think we have several things in common. Our age, a “creative” attitude, the fact of being a warrior from a character point of view, the fact I lost lots of weight (around 25 chilo’s as well, lost by eating tasty food) and, last but not least, breast cancer. I don’t know why I do it today in particular… maybe I was “inspired” by the beginning of the radiotherapy… anyway, I questioned myself veeeeeeery much why certain things happen and, of course, I am still interrogating myself about the WHY of my cancer. I always though, since the very beginning, that it was neither random nor simply “a great misfortune”. Obviously trying to touch this kind of arguments with the majority of cancer patients like me, you often get a rigid answer like “of course not! Cancer does not make any sense”. And this is topped by an angry look that implies: “What do you mean? Are you implying that feeling so bad and risking your life, your most valuable asset, has some kind of meaning? Of course it doesn’t have one!”. So, out of respect, I back off, but I keep on believing it does, it sure does. That’s why I make the same question to you.  And I ask you in particular because you look like a person who is open, curious and intelligent and I would love to hear your opinion, your thoughts about it. I read between the lines on your site that you question yourself as well about the very meaning of your illness. And this is actually what always interested me since I discovered you online.

Here, my philosophy, my cancer-thought is this: there is a sense. Period. The issue is to figure out which one. I have read so much, I thought so much, I also tried to “feel” myself so much, something I did not do anymore since endless years.

And so, the sense of this e-mail is all in this question I asked to myself during these long, heavy chemotherapy months. Now I ask it to you and I am very much interested in your (I hope, I would appreciate it very much) answer. I do it because, I believe, it made the difference. Nobody will ever tell me that I am healed, the prognosis in the beginning was very poor, but the “general-generic” chemo for a triple negative cancer completely destroyed a mass of 5 cm. And this is a fact.  According to me it is 50% due to medication and 50% due to your own attitude, disposition. Now,  even if no one can be scientifically agree with me,  I FEEL HEALED.  I am healed. I really believe it with 100% of myself that this is the case. And I think and believe it not because I am a stupid of possessed :-). I believe it because I think I understood “my why”. And I found it through the effort of looking for an honest answer, the most honest and pure answer ever. To this question you have to answer quickly, without thinking too much about it (this is very important). The answer NOTHING is not valuable because it is false (at least this is my opinion).

If I should say which are the positive aspects of cancer, which ones are they?

My very personal (everybody has its own) answer, honest and open minded (and with this I mean with a mind that accepts the possibilities that there are physical reasons but also “unconscious” reasons, like our beliefs, our experiences, and that the 2 things interact indissolubly) is this: I had a DESPERATE, TOTAL, ABSOLUTE need, for the first time in 36 years of my warrior life… to stop. And to think ABOUT ME. To quit the role of the one that was always there for others but was never supported in return. To have “EMPTY” TIME to UNDERSTAND what I WANT TO DO WITH MY LIFE (especially about my job) because this is what I LIKE to do, not because I HAVE TO.

It is shocking that to understand this macroscopic (and repressed unfortunately for countless years – and I think the point is just that, I always denied it) needs, it took a cancer. Now, during this “sick time” actually I am enthusiastically working to develop and prepare my big ambitious plan. I want to create jewelry. I never did. It seems a nonsense, seems foolish. But where did you pull out this idea of the jewelry? I took it out of a deep drawer in which a sweet and gentle voice has never before had the opportunity to go out and be heard.  Anyone who knows me knows this: if there was one thing that scared me in life, this was cancer. I do not know why, I do not have cases in the family, but I always had “a kind of creeping feeling, a fear.” I got it. It was like being in front of a wave of 7 meters coming towards myself. I am going through it. I think I’m making it. And I think I’m making it there because for the first time I allowed myself to hear, to listen to, to process, that blessed little voice. I also think that I will not have recurrences for the fact that I have understood its message, and I did not ignored it. I believe that our body is super wise, does not deceive, does not tell lies. He sent me a clear message: he got sick so badly to risk the death to make sure I would finally open my eyes, my mind and heart to myself. I would like very much to know what you think, what are your thoughts about this. Thanks .. and a big hug!

Elisa ”

 

“My dear, in realty I believe you know better than me that you don’t need an answer because you said already everything it was necessary to say :-). You read carefully across the lines and you are right, we have many things in common. One of these is surely our attitude towards the illness, the unhappiness we come from and the rediscovery of ourselves. I absolutely want to write a post about the last conference of Berrino, the one about “food, genetics and karma” (I placed a link on my Facebook and Instagram profile). If you watched it you know that Berrino would agree with you, and me too. If you did not see it yet, I suggest you to watch it because it is enlightening.

Few weeks ago, I was talking to another woman which is getting out from our same experience but still cannot accept what happened to her. And I asked her exactly the same question: “did you ever asked yourself “why”? Why did this MUST happen to you?”. I questioned myself a lot about this, especially at the beginning and I could find very many reasons. And I also think I understood and accepted the fact that I needed this “extreme journey” because otherwise I would have never understood (so stubborn as I am!). Now I feel better than never before, I can see all the beautiful things that are filling my life (rather than constantly think about all the things I don’t have and I would like to have…), I accepted my limits and I try not to stress when I cannot do all the things that are on my list. And I have to say I am improving in this sense.  And luckily because few months ago I was very frustrated about the few things I manage to do nowadays… I have thousands idea about the blog, the educative activities I would like to organize, but being all day with the kids and being still so tired in the evening I really cannot keep up. Sometimes I get tired of thinking, imagine!! I say “luckily” because when this “unhappines” pops up again, I feel afraid, afraid that things could go wrong…

Anyway I also FEEL HEALED, really, and even if I know there is a chance I could get sick again, I really cannot accept this a possibility. And anyway, I say to myself that it is better to live a full life that living a life of fear. It would not change anything and actually, being optimistic… can help! I am writing just now a post where I state that in my opinion our attitude, our determination in succeeding, “saying NO – THIS NOT”… maybe this is what makes a difference. I really believe our cells listen to our thoughts…

When I first got pregnant I thought: “why should a child get upside down already 2 months before being born, isn’t it uncomfortable?” > well, my first child was breech.

When I was pregnant of my second child I thought:”he moves a lot, I don’t believe he will wait until the due time” > my second child was born 2 months in advance.

Before I was diagnosed with cancer I said to my husband: “ I feel like a flower that is withering” > I had cancer.

From the beginning of the therapy I felt like a lion that would have faced anything in order to make it > at the end of the therapy that huge and very aggressive cancer (that usually doesn’t react to chemotherapy) was not there anymore…

In short I also believe that our will has an incredible power, so yes… go on like you do!! I have never been attracted by jewelry but I would make an effort in wearing one of yours :-). Your mail makes me particularly happy.

Good night,

Fabiana”

 

A special thanks to Elisa for allowing me to publish her words.

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